Thursday, January 5, 2012

Holy Crap. I Am Doing It Again?!

So in 12 more days, I will be in a hospital, peeing in a bag with out knowing its happening (wish that was the case now, especially at 4am) and smiling politely to the nurses who come in to check on me right after I fall asleep. Bless their cursed hearts that I will curse when they leave the room.

Who cares, because I will be holding my new baby boy! Weeeee!

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but pre-family days, pre-baby days, I was pretty cool. I knew good music, knew all the designers and could tell who made a dress a celeb was wearing, and put eyeshadow on everyday. Not only that, but I was pretty self-sustainable. Like, I could do stuff by myself.

Are my kids my kryptonite? Yes.

As the day gets closer I have been thinking a lot about what kind of person I am today.

This past weekend, I literally would have been a crying mess with out my mama. She went to the store with me! MOMS: you know how fabulous that was? Sure, I did not NEED her to go, but she went and it was PAIN FREE! I waddled around and got things I needed and she chased my almost 3 year old. THEN, she carried all my groceries in while I sat and ate a quarter pounder! WHAT?! If she was tired, she didnt show it. I was sooo weak! And miserable. And pathetic.

How is that possible? It's was the kryptonite. He never stops.

My self-sustainability left when I got home from the hospital with our first son. Some know how bad it was for me. My husband and my mom know all of it. I was looney tunes. I was not able to cope, at all. After about 4 weeks, my mom said, "whats the matter, this isnt you." DUH. So I kinda picked myself up and got a little better, but I have never been the same.

Naturally, I am terrified for baby #2. But this time, more prepared.
This time, mom's are not telling me what a joy parenting is and building up my know why? Because now they know I know better.
This time, books arent dictating how I know why? Because I have not read them, they suck.
This time, I know that no matter what, I am a mom now and only *I* know what my kid needs. And this time....I know that *I* can do it.

I am not as strong as I used to be and I know that I am definitely not self-sustainable because I could not live one day on earth with out my husband or mom. But I have the coolest, smartest, most kick-ass kid I have ever met. Its all because of me ...

and dad, and grandma.......

So something is working.

I always wish that baby #1 could get the calmness of mommy that baby #2 is going to get. But without baby #1, I would not know how to be a mom.

Am I gonna lose my mind, probably. Is life gonna suck for a while, probably. Will I curse my husband at 3am, probably. But I got this.

I swore never to have another kid. Holy crap.