Thursday, September 8, 2011

Alone Time. Remember That Little Treasure??

When my husband opens the baby gate to go downstairs, I quickly ask, “where you going?” When he gets up from the sofa to leave the room, I give him a look that pleads, ‘come back soon.’ What is wrong with me? I am a tainted mom, that is what’s wrong with me!

My husband works long, hard hours and is gone a lot. That schedule is not so bad now. But I am still a little scarred from this schedule from when our son was a newborn. Anxiety became very real to me then - true anxiety.

There was once a time where my husband could leave the room and I would not bat an eye. Heck, he could have left town for a week and all would have been fine. Yay, alone time for me and a house that would have stayed clean for a few days! But alone time with a newborn?? That’s some scary business.

I had a vision of holding my baby, watching him sleep and waiting for daddy to get home so he could swoop him up and kiss on him. I also had the vision of never feeling alone again and that it could be a good thing. I had that vision because other lying moms told me motherhood was blissful!

I remember holding my newborn, seeing the clock said 5pm and bursting into tears. I cried because I knew I still had about 2 ½ more hours to go before husband got home. TWO HOURS! Gah, how was I going to make it? Strong independent Rhonda was no more. I cried, called my mom, cried some more.

So naturally, it is understandable to be a little anxious when husband wants to leave a room. How dare he do such a thing, right?

I used to crave alone time, I still do. But the fear of it keeps me away from it. The fear of no help, no support, and honestly, what does alone time even mean? I will never get it again…….ever.

As moms we go from thinking of one life to thinking of two. As a married mom, we think of three, and so on as we have more kids. We never get to think of just ourselves again…ever. We are never alone again….ever.

But that’s where our strongness kicks in. How amazing are we?!?! One of our most sacred feelings or craving is taken away from us as soon as we become a mom and we press on - keeping it all together.


Mel said...

The only way I stay sane is by taking breaks once in a while. Going to
Dinner with my girlfriends and now that my 2nd is almost 2 taking a...GASP whole weekend for myself once a year. No kids. Love them with all of me, but seriously having 24-7 demands can make any person a bit crazy. My husband doesn't work crazy hours but he also understands this is what I need. Even if it's a couple hours once a week. I needed him to understand how vital this was to me being a good mom. Thankfully he does get it. You will get alone time again but yeah probably not for a couple years realistically. So make time for yourself when you can, schedule it in!

Rhonda said...

Oh, I do Mel. But even you know, even then, we never ever get to feel that blissful ALONE again. Remember in the mountains when you were like, "dont think I am a nerd, but I miss them?" ha ha ha. Thats what I am talking about. Always on the mind. Its the selfish in me that fights it ;-)

kaela1106 said...

I love that you say everything every mother feels!!

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